After dabbling in some stand-up humiliation, I decided to preach to the converted and give the Feminist Arts Festival open mic a go. The experience was the closest I’ll ever get to enlightenment. Just close your eyes and imagine an Asian girl in a Jenny Holzer Truism t-shirt, belting these words out to a room full of finger-clicking Feminists ✊🏼
If women ran the world, we’d make men wear tampons.
And then we’d make them free.
If women ran the world, we'd be able to marry our dogs.
If women ran the world, no one would tell us to smile when we don’t fucking feel it.
If women ran the world, we’d drink as much as we want, and dress as ‘slutty’ as we want, without being told we’re ‘asking for it’.
If women ran the world, there’d be no more rape jokes.
If women ran the world, I’d go ‘native’... ‘down there’.
If women ran the world, we’d prioritise empathy over bravado. Thoughtfulness over arrogance.
If women ran the world, we’d obviously nuke each other’s countries just for being on our periods.
If women ran the world, we’d ban labelling women “crazy” or “irrational”.
If women ran the world, there’s be less domestic violence. And 99% less serial killers.
If women ran the world, we wouldn’t be ‘prudish’ for not being into anal sex.
Sorry, not sorry, for not wanting to bring ‘poo play’ into my bedroom.
If women ran the world, men would understand the difference between a sex panther and a sex pest.
As a result, Harvey Weinstein would be in prison.
If women ran the world, g-strings and thongs would be banned for obvious reasons.
If women ran the world, there’d be no such thing as slut shaming, the ‘walk of shame’ or anything else that makes us the butt of sexist jokes for having a sex drive.
If women ran the world, our bodies would be our own.
And covered in soft tufts of hair sprouting from all the places we’ve forgotten about.
If women ran the world, we’d be able to go to the gym without feeling like prey.
If women ran the world, sex education would be about pleasure, not abstinence.
If women ran the world, there’d be no more apologising for speaking truth.
And we’d get paid to stay in bed and eat pizza in our period pants.
If women ran the world, we wouldn't STILL be fighting for equal pay.
If women ran the world, porn would be a turn on, not abusive.
If women ran the world, cat calling on the street would be punishable by public flogging.
Same goes for unsolicited dick pics. If we didn’t ask for it, (and I don’t know any who have) then save it for your cellmate.
But unfortunately, if women actually ran the world, I’m sure there'd be a man next to them telling them how to do it better.
Because after all, behind every great woman there’s a mansplainer boring her to death.
After dabbling in some stand-up humiliation, I decided to preach to the converted and give the Feminist Arts Festival open mic a go. The experience was the closest I’ll ever get to enlightenment. Just close your eyes and imagine an Asian girl in a Jenny Holzer Truism t-shirt, belting these words out to a room full of finger-clicking Feminists ✊🏼
If women ran the world, we’d make men wear tampons.
And then we’d make them free.
If women ran the world, we'd be able to marry our dogs.
If women ran the world, no one would tell us to smile when we don’t fucking feel it.
If women ran the world, we’d drink as much as we want, and dress as ‘slutty’ as we want, without being told we’re ‘asking for it’.
If women ran the world, there’d be no more rape jokes.
If women ran the world, I’d go ‘native’... ‘down there’.
If women ran the world, we’d prioritise empathy over bravado. Thoughtfulness over arrogance.
If women ran the world, we’d obviously nuke each other’s countries just for being on our periods.
If women ran the world, we’d ban labelling women “crazy” or “irrational”.
If women ran the world, there’s be less domestic violence. And 99% less serial killers.
If women ran the world, we wouldn’t be ‘prudish’ for not being into anal sex.
Sorry, not sorry, for not wanting to bring ‘poo play’ into my bedroom.
If women ran the world, men would understand the difference between a sex panther and a sex pest.
As a result, Harvey Weinstein would be in prison.
If women ran the world, g-strings and thongs would be banned for obvious reasons.
If women ran the world, there’d be no such thing as slut shaming, the ‘walk of shame’ or anything else that makes us the butt of sexist jokes for having a sex drive.
If women ran the world, our bodies would be our own.
And covered in soft tufts of hair sprouting from all the places we’ve forgotten about.
If women ran the world, we’d be able to go to the gym without feeling like prey.
If women ran the world, sex education would be about pleasure, not abstinence.
If women ran the world, there’d be no more apologising for speaking truth.
And we’d get paid to stay in bed and eat pizza in our period pants.
If women ran the world, we wouldn't STILL be fighting for equal pay.
If women ran the world, porn would be a turn on, not abusive.
If women ran the world, cat calling on the street would be punishable by public flogging.
Same goes for unsolicited dick pics. If we didn’t ask for it, (and I don’t know any who have) then save it for your cellmate.
But unfortunately, if women actually ran the world, I’m sure there'd be a man next to them telling them how to do it better.
Because after all, behind every great woman there’s a mansplainer boring her to death.